


Burden of Proof

by levitatethis



Category: Heroes - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-18
Updated: 2010-05-18
Packaged: 2017-10-09 13:18:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/87910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levitatethis/pseuds/levitatethis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sylar tells Mohinder the truth</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burden of Proof

**Author's Note:**

> Written for cellshader's prompt: "Murder and what came after"

**I**

You really want to do this? Lay it all out on the table? It won’t be too much for your fragile countenance, will it?

Glad to see your sense of humour is still intact.

If we are going to do this then you don’t get to interrupt. You can save the psychoanalytical babble and questions for the end. Delving into my mind demands your respectful quiet. I’m allowing you this opportunity so don’t push it.

Now that that’s settled, where do you want me to begin? My childhood—you want to diagnose the consequences of a dysfunctional family? You think you can find the Freudian slip that was the gateway drug to all of this? Maybe you want a reason to not hate me—or maybe you want an excuse to keep up this act of contempt for me. All that hard work can’t go to waste, not now.

Nothing to say? Good. You’re learning.

The beginning then…but which one? How about we save neglectful father figures for another time. They’re just no damn good. And you’ll forgive me if I don’t speak of mothers. I believe you were luckier than I was in that regard and I’m a smidge envious.

…hey, I’m not looking for you to feel sorry for me. I’m not fishing for pity…

We’re both beyond niceties, Mohinder, wouldn’t you say? Let’s jump ahead to what’s really on your mind. As if I didn’t know what fascinates you, keeps your mind whirling at night or on long stretches of road. In any case we do have time to kill so why not spend it on the most interesting part of this whole charade we have going.

I can guess what’s going through that overly qualified brain of yours, but I think we both know our minds work a bit differently than such obvious contemplations.

I’m tired of pretending otherwise.

 

**II   
**  
Most people think it’s all about the act itself; that the build up is about that precise moment. But that’s only half the story.

Murder is actually very simple. It comes quite easily. Taking a life is (not so strangely) quite natural. I know that sounds distasteful to you, repulsive even. Considering your transgressions you would prefer to believe that the capability to commit murder is something alien, not innate. It was the serum that made you do it, right?

Wrong.

The serum exacerbated a pre-condition. You were cornered and you reacted out of the need to survive. We are all selfish beings. We will always put our desire to live above someone else’s. Murder may be an extreme action by society’s standards, by the laws of man that govern us, but it is not unnatural. The motives may differ, but when push comes to shove it’s all about outdrawing the other person.

I got tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop so I changed the rules a bit. Set off a bomb. Sometimes you can’t just tap people on the shoulder. You have to use a sledgehammer.

Don’t act above it all. You know I’m right. If murder were definitively bad then why does society assign it varying levels of significance? There is first degree, second degree, manslaughter, and self-defense. Punishments are doled out based on intent, not black and white, murder is wrong. Society makes excuses for something that is otherwise regarded as a horrific sin. Why?

Intent. Aftermath. That’s what it comes down to. I do what’s necessary to be whom I was always meant to, I make no apologies for that. Murder is the misdirect that you all get caught up in and lose sight of the bigger picture.

It’s what comes _after_ that’s the real story.

 

**III **

It doesn’t matter how many times I try to explain it. It doesn’t even matter that you’ve experienced it for yourself to some extent. Denial is still the one and only method of operation.

The essence of life is that it is precarious and precious all at once. There is nothing like seeing it slip away, slowly crawling out of once animated eyes. I can literally feel it seep into my skin, infusing my cells like a body rush that rolls through me like a wave. How do I explain what it is having someone in my hands going from resistance to realization, actually seeing the fight go out of them when they realize it’s over and that the end is upon them because of me, and they know that _I am Almighty_.

Sometimes even I need a reminder of proof. I can (almost perfectly) recall the sensation of rewiring a newly attained ability in my brain. There are no words to adequately convey the experience except that it is absolutely unparalleled. If I could only show you what it’s…

I’ve thought about taking on an ability (if it exists) that allows me to viscerally relive an experience down to the most minute detail. Until then I have to rely on a more superficial type of remembrance—like with Brian Davis, the first one. I’m sure you can understand the soft spot I have for him.

I carry their destinies alongside my own. If you feel remorse for them I recommend you shift your perspective. Not one of them died in vain. Their lives may not have transpired as expected but as they were written to on the day of their birth. That which they could not control or appreciate was always meant to end up here, within me. Humans only use—what—fifty percent or so of their brains? By that argument the truly enlightened and evolved would vigorously use the rest.

Survival of the fittest is kill or be killed in fancy language. Not everyone is meant to be at the forefront of humanity in the endlessness of forever. But we all play a role. Their finite existence is a part of my transformation and the natural leap forward. Every time I use a different ability I am paying homage to those whose death marked my path and to myself for seizing control of fate.

You don’t believe me? You think I use them without casting my gaze to the past. You would like to believe I’m only in this for the here and now and a future that’s wide open. But these powers were useless in the wrong hands. I gave them meaning.

In death,_ I_ gave them immortality.

 

**IV **

_Wanting_ to kill and _needing_ to do it are very different things.

At first there was no question. I had to see the connections in their brains that detailed their rare ability. And until I could peer inside without cutting their heads open, it was an acceptable tactic. Besides, I didn’t want to share my toys.

For years I lived in the background of my own life. Do you know what that’s like? Complacency bred contempt. Those people had the keys to the kingdom but were too petrified or apathetic to use them. You can understand how unfair that is, not to mention the waste of human potential. If they couldn’t care to live the life they should have then why should I care to spare them the non-life they chose?

You…you would have been like any of them. That was the intention. You were supposed to be the one after Zane. To be fair I didn’t know that until I realized he was expecting you. Now _that_ was fortuitous, me trying to build up my collection and the man with the list showing up on my (well, Zane’s) doorstep.

Of course I didn’t know you had the list of names until you confirmed it but I was so curious to meet Chandra’s son…you were different than what I was expecting. Not good or bad, just different. It caught me off guard. But you were still a dead man walking.

The mundane conversations I had to placate you with our first day on the road? Now _that_ was a test of will. My purpose was to keep you distracted enough to not suspect anything. But you did…suspect me. I’d love to know when you figured it out…and judging by that not so well hidden smile I would venture to say you remember the moment very well. I still don’t know how you kept it from me. Turns out we were both playing each other.

What irony. At the same time I was deciding to spare your life, you were planning to end mine.

You were my biggest mistake, Mohinder. With everyone else it was quick and easy, a couple of minutes, tops. But with you I had to play the part longer. Indifference was a good weapon at first. It kept me focused. Then conversations took a turn and it wasn’t just stilted or academically saturated discussions. It was everything else.

I got to know you.

Your father didn’t give you half as much credit as you deserved, but I know that same tune from personal experience. I understood why Eden tried to kill me in your name…didn’t you know she killed herself in front of me when she realized she wasn’t going to get out alive? They really do keep you on a tight leash. You should learn to bite harder…or bark with conviction. Her file is out there. I’m sure you’ll track it down once we’re through here.

The point is (and you should take note) you were the first mark I didn’t want to kill. I convinced myself I could ride out the lie longer. Would you believe me if I said I thought if you got to know me it would make it harder for you to turn away when the truth came out? Maybe I’m sentimental—it was nice to meet someone who seemed to get me and I wanted to hold onto that. Not that it ended up mattering. Or maybe it did…

When you pulled that power play move with the drugged chai I was shocked, to say the least. Let’s be honest, compared to me you were not a factor. But you got by me. I let my guard down. How you figured it out though and kept up the ruse until it was time to strike? Genius. Very impressive. I don’t know how much credit I really want to give you on that account, of course. Then again, to admit I might have contributed to my ending up on the wrong side of a gun is hardly a ringing endorsement for me.

Realizing you had pulled one over on me…I’ve never hated and loved someone so much at the same time. What you did took courage, courage I didn’t think you had. It may sound strange but that was the moment I knew I was right in my decision to not kill you. How could I? You proved yourself to be an anomaly, like me. I wasn’t about to end our burgeoning relationship.

It is still far too fascinating.

 

**V**

Am I done filling in the blanks for you? The rest is already on record, I believe. Unless you enjoy hearing me wax philosophical—which I think you secretly do, but, shhhh…we’ll keep that between us.

Our lives are irrevocably connected. That’s a fact no matter how much you may argue otherwise. Be stubborn and bullheaded, it doesn’t change a thing. Still you loft your allegedly untouchable morality over me with purposeful ignorance towards the truth. And for what? So you don’t have to admit that we’re more alike than we are different? So that you can avoid admitting I intrigue you as much now as when you first uncovered my devious plan? You pulled the trigger, but only after you got what you wanted.

Even Bennet and Petey-boy know when to drop the attitude. If they can make exceptions what gives you the superiority to hold out? What makes your situation—_our_ past—so distinct and different from the ones I shared with them? I’ve reconsidered what is necessary for me to get ahead. I only kill when I absolutely need to…or want to…hey, maybe that much hasn’t changed.

Pete’s been off my radar for a little while now, although that’s more of a rain check issue. I’ve set aside my legitimate gripe with Parkman for now. Hiro, well I’ve been good. I already got what I wanted from Claire, besides her daddy issues make ours seem like the Care Bears. And may I remind you I haven’t touched a precious hair on Molly’s head and I know where you’ve gone and stashed her in the name of protection.

What have you done to atone besides this “punish me, I deserve to suffer” lament?

Perspective changes with experience. Taking as much as I have, and the manner in which I’ve done it, I am reminded the extent of what is truly in my hands. Your game, whatever it is you’re playing at, is your own insufferable baggage. Aren’t you tired of shouldering it? What is it going to get you in the end besides a handful of bitterness and a life of loneliness?

None of it is straightforward. If it were we wouldn’t be here right now, like this. I can answer your questions until I’m blue in the face. For the most part you’ve made up your mind or are at least trying to stand behind what you think you should. That’s admirable…and completely useless.

React! Show me how you really feel. Tell me what the hell you want to do to me then let’s move on.

Any questions?


End file.
